Monday, May 21, 2018

Hunters Run Derby Part 1: Dressage

Hoo boy.

Okay, figuring out where to start this will be a trick and a half.

We can start with the fact that I had just gotten over a stomach virus on Friday and was still weak. I didn't get as much done Saturday as I should have because I couldn't. I figured going to the show would pretty much wipe me out and I was right.

Of course, Saturday night I couldn't sleep. Y'all. I haven't been to a legit eventing class of show (Derby, 3 Day, etc) since I was a teenager. It's been about a decade and a half. However, I did make sure my tack was clean, I pulled out my nice bridle I've been saving for a show and switched the bit over. Expecting sun, I put the finishing touches on the customized fly bonnet I made for Gwyn. (There were no bugs...)


Those ears are rainbow sparkly.

And then I got into bed and realized I couldn't remember my dressage test and that I had no fucking idea where my medical armband got off to.

Fuck.

I couldn't fall asleep for about 2 hours. My stomach was starting to flip from nerves and it still hadn't fully settled from my bout of porcelain throne worship on Friday. Just... not ideal conditions.

Sunday morning I grabbed gas for the truck and began doing the finalized loading. Since I'm a craft supply hoarder, I also threw together a makeshift medical armband.

 My friend Casey came to take pictures for me and kept me calm and on track. She doesn't have any horse experience but she was great at being someone to talk at me and listen to me babble and freak out.

First error: I should have budgeted more arrival and prep time. We got there and there was no one in the show secretary hut for a good 20 minutes. WTF. I did try and make good use of the time by getting dressed and starting to groom Gwyn but it kind of set the tone. Thankfully I grabbed my number and rushed back to tack up.

Gwyn had picked up on the energy of the day and was dancing around. Then I found and pulled a tick off of her belly. UGH.

Second error: I didn't do a final review of my dressage test. LOL. I had been doing a lot of visualization in my head but didn't verify that my visualization was completely accurate. I should have done this. I meant to do it. I had a copy of the test in my truck.

I got up to the warm up and checked in with the ring steward and did a bit, but not nearly enough, of warm up. Gwyn was amped. She was on high alert and I swear she thought it was an endurance ride.

So we get to the ring, I greet the judge, judge blows the whistle and we enter. The first part goes okay. I can tell Gwyn is hollow and tense and then we get to the first canter circle at A.

Exiting stage right.
 I'm gritting my teeth but I turn around and go back in. Because this is fucking embarrassing. There's multiple layers here that I'm going to try and explain. As many of you are aware, riding, especially showing, is heavily appearance focused. The human appearance especially. You are pushed to be thin and perfect and coifed. So I already stand out because I'm fat. And let me tell you, I've lost 20 pounds since March. And I was feeling so much better about being in my body until I saw these pictures because getting up on the horse means I immediately look like a marshmallow and it fucking sucks next to every other rider who was there. Plus I don't have the full funds to acquire a show jacket right now. I'm trying to prioritize and the show explicitly stated that you could use your cross country attire in dressage but I was the only one I saw who did that. So standing out more. Then add in Gwyn's coloring and standing out EVEN more. And then we leave the dressage ring.

This is probably all mental, and it's only really hit me now that I've been percolating on it for hours and in the moment I was fine but I just hate it. And if I write any more about it I'm probably going to have to go into the bathroom at work and cry about it but there it is. Stupid stupid stuff.

And honestly, if I saw a rider unintentionally exit during their dressage I would have felt bad for them and assumed it was a green moment but nothing more? And most people probably think that about me but this judgement is a constant in the back of my head. Plus, I am losing weight. Slowly and steadily. I will get to a point where I won't stand out as much. It just hurts when I see myself until then and how I think I'm seen by others.

Anyway. I continue the test. The judge has me redo the cantering transition to trot to walk.
NO MOM. I'M DONE.
 And then on the free walk on the diagonal Gwyn totally blows my aid and just... steps over the fucking railing again. Now I'm ready to die inside and I just go around the outside, come back in and keep going.

The moment before. You can see her eyeing the poles going "Those look like Cavaletti and I am GOOD at stepping over them!"

Casey said she heard me go "SERIOUSLY?!?!' at Gwyn.

Cantering by the judge. We stayed in down here at least.
 And then I blew the final diagonal. Completely forgot about it. The judge seemed sympathetic, she was kind and it was a schooling show and the last time I did a dressage test with Gwyn was when we were in Washington. There's a lot of excuses. But the judge didn't have me redo it because we'd already been eliminated because of leaving the arena.
Leaving after final halt salute

Dear Gwyn: Please to be relaxed like this IN THE DAMN TEST

I'm not going to post each remark for each movement right now (mainly because it's at home and I'm at work). It can be summed up with: Tense. Hollow. Error.  We scored a 55%

The nicest thing the judge commented was that Gwyn was cute.

I'm hanging on to sanity by remembering:
  1. This was a schooling show so in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal.
  2. It highlighted things to focus on
  3. I need to find an actual dressage trainer so we can school the issue of NOT LEAVING THE DAMN DRESSAGE COURT.  I am now 2 for 2 of this happening in a dressage test with cantering. I don't want it to become a habit.
  4. Practice relaxation and working on the bit so it becomes more habit in a high energy show environment.

So there you are. Part 1.


Many thanks to Casey for the media. I wouldn't have had it without her.


17 comments:

  1. Oh no! But it happens to all of us. In my very first dressage test, we picked up the wrong lead on the first canter circle. As we approached the rail, mare tucked and jumped out, pretty as you please. We were eliminated on the spot. I wanted the earth to open up & swallow me. But you know what? Things got better and better. And they will for you too.

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    1. <3 Thanks. I'm just in sucky headspace right now. I am glad I got out and came to this show and honestly once I can get the next part posted, my day did improve, lol

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  2. Oh no :( I'm sorry it didn't go as planned. For the record, I bet nobody was judging you or at least nobody who matters was and who cares about them any way?? Feeling like you stand out in the crowd is tough. I've been there on my arab mare, in cheap tack and clothes and spooking at every single damn fence on an 18" course. It gets into your head and it is hard to get it back out. Good for you to continue plugging away at it and I am sure with more miles you two will be rocking it out there.

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    1. That's also what I keep telling myself. We need more miles and we need more experiences at shows like this where even if you completely crap out in dressage you can still go on and do the other stuff.

      And honestly? Gwyn was a rock star. I am SO proud of what we've accomplished even when my goals for the day weren't completely met.

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  3. The rainbow fly bonnet turned out great! I bet it will look amazing on her.

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    1. It does! I tried it on before we loaded up and left and it fits perfectly. I need to modify a few things and I already have more amazing ear fabric and yarn to make LOTS more colors. :D

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  4. That's so frustrating, I'm sorry it wasn't a good day. I always find horse shows to be kind of fascinating because you know that there's at least one person there having the best show of their life and at least one person having the worst. Sometimes you're the former, sometimes you're the latter, sometimes you're in between. For the record, it took my horse a good couple of years to stay in the court, and at our show two weeks ago he went to step out of the court again. Ridiculous.

    It just takes time and it sounds like you're putting in the miles! It's hard to feel like you're standing out in a bad way, but soon enough you guys will be standing out for all the right reasons :)

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    1. This is true! One of my local friends said her barn mate was there and having a rough day too. So not an isolated thing, it just feels that way at the time unless you can sit and watch, which I did -not- have time to do, lol.

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  5. oh man, i'm sorry about the unplanned exit!!!! :( you're right tho, it *does* happen. and anybody watching is more than likely totally sympathetic bc it's either happened to them, or happened to one of their friends.

    like you say, tho - this is a schooling show for a reason and i'm so glad that the judge had you continue the test and redo the sections that needed it, and even more glad that you stuck to it rather than throwing in the towel at the first sign of hardship -- that's exactly the right attitude!! i made a really obnoxious judgement error at one of my first ever shows and was beating myself up about it, explaining it to my coach after the fact, and he was basically like, 'whelp experience is that thing you get right after you needed it. next time will be better!' and ya know, he was right. can't wait to read about the rest of your day!!

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    1. A lady did ask me how my day went when I went to pick up my dressage test and my response was that it was a good experience. I definitely don't regret going. I love love schooling shows and judges who know when it's a schooling show vs rated.

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  6. First off, you look good. Your posture is good, your hands are good, and you are wearing appropriate gear. I will guarantee you every horse person that is a serious competitor, and knows horses, probably thought, "Oh man! I hate when my greenie does that shit too!" In other words, it was probably noticeable outside of your head that you are a very good rider on a goober pony. As for any snarky bitches, eff em. We don't care what they think. Your body produced two AMAZING humans, it works wonderfully for you, when you give it enough sleep, lol, and you really are a cutie. But we are hardest on ourselves. So I understand your self doubt.

    As for her color, I'm an extrovert. I am ALL ABOUT riding the weirdo horse, lol! Can't help there.... Nyx's tail got called ugly last Fri night by our Andalusian rider. As in, "OMG, what happened to her tail??? It's so UGLY!!!" I replied, "It's been this way for years. Besides, I think it's pretty!" (OK, it isn't Friesian-full like her cousin Gwyn's, but it isn't a rat tail either! And I really do think it's pretty!)

    Can you have someone call the test for you? If I ever showed in Dressage (or anything) I would totally forget the entire test! I'd have to have a caller! With my ADHD, I am easily distracted; I'd need a caller!

    I have to apologize, I giggled at the cavelletti comment,...

    Can you set up a dressage arena at home to work within? Would that help Gwyn learn the difference between fence and cavalletti? I like your plan to hire a trainer.

    At the end of the day, the most important thing is, one admitting one needs to learn more. I hate seeing people take their frustrations out on their horse when the horse is basically "Wheeee! Things!" Gwyn is the Goober Pony for a reason! Because, "Wheeeee!"

    And trust me, you look so much better that you think you do! There is no mistaking that you KNOW how to ride!

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    1. Lots of people have pointed out that wearing purple brings out the lilac tones in her coat. So it's extra hilarious to me now that, without realizing, I have a purple horse. How appropriate LOL

      I had one support person there who would not have known how to call the test for me effectively, unfortunately. It was a chance I was taking. I WAS planning on taking Vyvanse that morning to help me focus through the day and maybe not get so frantic but I forgot. HA.

      I'll try. I don't know where I'd set it up to mimic the environment the best. The flattest place I have is the arena and we can DO 20m canter circles there JUST FINE, hahaa.

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  7. Amy, you need to pat yourself on the back for getting out there and doing the thing, even when the thing is scary and you feel like you stick out. Rest assured we have ALL been there and had a crappy day at a show. It would have been so easy to just scratch because of your nerves and especially because of being so sick on Friday! I am proud of you for sticking with it and doing the best you could in the moment. A schooling show is definitely the place to make mistakes and figure things out. And how wonderful the judge did allow you to finish the test. YOU DID IT and you will be able to do it again and do even better!! If anyone was judging you for your appearance or anything else, the hell with them; they are NOT worth your time. You've got this, girl!!! <3

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    1. I am ultimately glad I went. Ultimately. I just had to dig myself out of my pit of self loathing, lol. And I am TOTALLY grateful for that judge. I thanked her profusely at the end of my test!

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  8. I think it's easy for all of us to feel, at some point, like everyone is looking at us and laughing and judging, but the the truth is - all of us have been in your shoes at one point or another. I'm betting that no one was harder on you than you were. Be kind to yourself when you're learning something new or coming back into it after a long break! This is a hard sport, you'll get there.

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    1. This is very true, and what I keep telling myself. I am my own worst critic. I am SO thrilled that I am back eventing though! I fell in love with it as a kid and that love is definitely still going strong!

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  9. Somehow I totally missed this, but the bonnet turned out AMAZING!! I absolutely love it!!

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